That's What She Said

The door alarm chimed deafeningly. A crash was followed by a string of foul curses.

A livid Einida stormed into the computer lab.

"That's it! If something isn't done to lower the volume on that [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] door alarm, I will take drastic measures! That [expletive deleted] noise made me drop my experiment, and it makes everyone's ears ring!"

This was not the result I expected when I originally purchased the door alarm.

It had been installed because we suspected that the Laboratory dog, Digger, trained himself to open the door so that he could sneak in and help himself to the Laboratory treats that Einida had been giving him.

She was using treats to see if she could teach Digger to count to ten. So, each day she would ask him how many treats he wanted. If he tapped the ground once, she would give him one treat, and so forth.

But now it appeared that she might have inadvertently taught him how to open doors and help himself.

To solve this mystery, I installed a door alarm that would alert everyone to the presence of anyone or anything that opened the door.

I wasn't keen on the idea that Einida might take drastic action to stop the noise. Many of her engineering solutions involved balloons and lasers. (One of the reasons she'd earned the fearsome nickname, "Lady Tesla.") And while some of you might be wondering why I didn't simply alter the volume of the door alarm...well, something that simple and obvious just isn't the SFAQT way.

"Eureka!," I shouted, startling Einida again from whatever it was she was doing.

"I shall set up a camera with facial recognition and a remote module that will announce the name of a visitor/interloper in a voice unique to whoever or whatever comes through the door." I grinned broadly as I stroked my goatee.

At last--a project worthy of my talents.

And so I called the staff together and we built the first stage: A "Say Hello" wireless, text-to-speech module. (To see the technical details with schematics, project notes, and softer, visit the project page.)

The "Say Hello" takes any text and says it aloud. It has a marvelous potential and can give any invention I make a voice.

The unit even has the ability to speak the words from any computer anywhere on the Laboratory compound.

I instructed the staff to think of creative things to make the "Say Hello" speak.

I wrote software to make the unit announce the time at the top of the hour, and then I sat and waited.

The first words were, predictably,"Shall we play a game?" (We at the Lab had recently studied the technologies from the movie "War Games.")

The next words were just as predictable: "Hello World." (All software has to say that at least once.)

"Ah, is there anything funnier than the humor of a computer programmer?," I mused aloud to an audience of dead air.

Suddenly, the "Say Hello" said, "Can you tell Dr. Phil to remove his animal bones from the cafeteria?"

(Einida was miffed about Dr. Phil's habit of bringing dead animals into the cafeteria.)

Then the "Say Hello" said, "Can you tell Einida that if she's upset by something, it is her job to fix it?"

Great Scott! My wonderful invention was turning into a tool for passive-aggressive arguing! It was like listening to the conversations of angry divorcées.

"Say Hello" suddenly said, "That's what she said," followed by a rather flat, metallic-sounding "Ha ha ha ha."

I groaned. Our wondrous technology was being misused. Technology that has been designed for the greatest good was being soiled by the basest of human emotions-- low-brow humor. I sniffed with annoyance.

That evening, as I tried to fall asleep, all I could hear was the endless chorus of "That's what she said" bouncing off the walls of the Lab.

Several weeks passed before the staff tired of all of their juvenile humor, the bickering, and the inappropriate comments about body parts.

Eventually, the "Say Hello" returned to speaking such dignified things as weather statistics, e-mail alerts, and the time, with only an occasionally, rogue, "That's what she said," thrown in just to make me grit my teeth and wince.

I have since disabled the door alarm, and put my project of the facial recognition on hold. I shudder to think what my staff would do with unbridled access to technology like that

The mystery of Digger the treat-seeking dog, remains unsolved.

For the technical details on how to build your own "Say Hello", complete with schematics, project notes, video and source code, please go here